Good sex is not about technology or appearance “- Swedish Dagbladet

“Many think that it is about finding someone who wants to do exactly what you want to do and do not like it you do not want. It is the way of the most boring sex life you will ever have, “said the American psychologist David Schnarch. Photo: Sandra Qvist / TT

You’d think that is the one that has the greatest desire and most often takes the initiative which is in power of sex life. But no, it’s just the opposite, according to the American psychologist David Schnarch. Anyone who has at least sexual desire is the limit. At least in those parts of the world where no one can force the other. The infatuation intoxication may desire to be just as great and the feeling that it will never give way. But after a period of cohabitation has often emerged a “high desire partner” and a “low desire” to use Schnarchs terms, and both have also set their limits to the ways in which they want to have sex.

– The sex life the couple has to live with then is the “leftovers”, the remains, says David Schnarch.

About This conflict can begin. If anyone wants more demands withdraws the second frequently back and want even less, especially if consuming gives expression to the relationship gives some kind of right to the other’s body.

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– Differentiation! Few are prepared to fight for their individuality will play out in the bedroom. But that’s where it becomes evident. To strengthen themselves, learn to deal with anxiety and disappointment, is the best way to get the couple relationship work better. One must confront herself to become more adult, more responsible to harbor their own feelings and reactions. When you become less dependent on each other’s confirmation, not afraid to get a no. If you want to have a stable relationship is not about finding the stability of your partner but yourself.

A long love relationship varies between quiet periods and change, uncertainty and Development, according Schnarch. To master their own frustration is important. The next step is to show what you want and talk openly and respectfully with their partners about it. It can create anxiety among the partner, but is also a possible way forward. To be compatible with another human being is not to be the same.

Would you like to be married to yourself?

– It is about making room for another person in your life. It requires the maturation and flexibility. And by the way, would you be married to yourself? says David Schnarch and guffaws.

Couple compatible makes the most of the differences. Two independent individuals who are confident with themselves attractive to one another. They are also willing to stretch a bit to give the other something outside their comfort zone, it can be really good, says Schnarch.

– It does not mean that there can be distressing even for a couple who lived together a long time when one wants to try something new. Available trust can lead to a new level of intimacy.

– Have you been married for 30 years and she wants to do something completely new as you might think “Has she been unfaithful?” Once you realize that she have had it the whole time you respect her the more. It is the best afrodisiakan.

David Schnarch is a reception at home in the Rocky Mountains of Colorado, USA. There will be few who had major problems but still want to continue together. Some have not had sex in 15 years.

Stop worry about erections and forget botox.

– Will you two have peace in each other’s arms before life is over, do not worry about erections and forget botox. Good sex is not about technology or appearance.

Many people are anxious in bed without even knowing it, they are so accustomed to it. David Schnarch would like to bring that emotional intimacy is as important as six to create a stable relationship.

– It does not mean that women and men do not also want to have “a good screw”.

subversive view of sex

David Schnarch is a psychologist and sex therapist, known for his subversive views on sex in the United States, and particularly appreciated in Germany and Denmark. Here he comes regularly to train psychologists and others working with partner therapy. He has his own clinic in the Rocky Mountains in Colorado, but says his working hours to 80 per cent in Europe. Books: Constructing The Sexual Crucible (WW Norton & amp; Co.) Passionate Marriage (WW Norton & amp; Co., 1997; Owl Books, 1998) Resurrecting Sex (August, 2002) Intimacy and Desire (Beaufort Books, 2009)

Handlers six of power for you?

Tell us about your experience of how pleasure and pain affecting the relationship as well as the feeling of power and powerlessness. You may remain anonymous if you wish. Selected contributions will be published. Email to: idag@svd.se